How can I get students to attend my college?

For years...years I've been trying to boast the amount of studentalicles to my prestigous institution-I mean good lord am I that un-appealing? I offer oppurtunities of a millenium-time and yet I cannot get one single flarixcon to land on the school's President Hoover-pad. My jack-a-lope ring toss is supreme, as is my peanut-er and celly-phone pinata, yet students seem to waive me off. Zounds, I'm a Professor of the World for the Lord's Sake, an archaeologist of 2005's a artifacts, a Historian of Parrallel Worlds and Shapes, a Scientist capable of creating NaCl! For the love of Great Britain, please help me lads, I feel I cannot go on without sufficent help. Thank you for the advice, and good Hunt-Hog to you all...!